Punusual Circumstances
by Calliope Faye
Summary: A D&D adventure in Xanth
1. Good Morning, Sunshine

(A/N: This is the story of a D&D adventure that my gaming group had in Xanth. Our DM, my father, has a rule that if someone tells a bad joke, he rolls to see if the party is sent to Xanth, which is very rare, but it has happened once since I joined the group, and these are the results: By the way, this is our DM's version of Xanth, which is a bit different from Piers Anthony's, but that's only so that we [the players] don't know what to expect.)  
  
The mage was the first to awaken. He glanced around at his companions, who were just beginning to come around. He began muttering under his breath, making sure that he hadn't sustained any cranial damage. "My name is Whelmyn Lightweaver Pendalton. I am the son of Edwin Pendalton, and I hail from the town of Hillsguard..."   
"Is this another dream?" came the voice of the fair lady, Melody Lyreheart, the minstrel traveling with the party known throughout the kingdom of Alandel as "The Smiling Troubadour."   
"In theory, no, Melody, because if it is, then I am dreaming it two, and the odds of two people having the exact same dream at the exact same time are approximately 4,625,947 to 1."   
"Right. . ." She rose to her feet and looks around just as Bindaer Dundatt, the "creative acquisitionist," as he had named himself, opened his eyes.   
"You use long words, my friend." He too stood and examined their surroundings. "But one thing is certain: I definitely do not think are in Alandel anymore."   
By now, Kerredis Goldenleaf, priestess of Lathander and mother of Melody had also awoken, and the four companions all stared up at the wall of a city they'd never seen before.   
"Where are we? How did we get here?" Kerredis wondered aloud.   
"We must have come to this locale by some form of magical means, but nothing in my study of the field can explain this scenario. Melody, you are the expert in worldly matters such as this. To what geographic location have we been transported?"   
Melody shrugged. "I've never been here before. The Hell if I know! Wait, does anyone else hear that?" The sound of sweet, almost angelic music drifted toward them. At first, it was faint. . .distant. . .but it grew steadily louder as if growing closer.   
"Look!" Kerredis pointed toward the sky, where four winged bodies were flying toward them. Whelmyn turned in that direction and squinted his razor-keen eyes to get a look at what was coming.   
"The forthcoming creatures appear not to be humanoid. They are without visage, only a trunk and three limbs. . .All of which appear to be on their left side. It would seem that they are the source of the composition we all perceive."   
Bindaer raised an eyebrow at him. "What?"   
"They're what's making the music." Melody explained, "but if they have no faces, then how can they be singing?" By then, they were close enough that she could see them as well, and could make out a series of strings connecting each of their limbs in a manner similar to her own lyre. "Oh." She drew her sword and looked to Whelmyn and Bindaer, but they both only stared at the shapes as if mesmerized by their music. She looked at her mother, who had readied her mace. She had seen this effect before in their adventures. It was almost exactly the same as. . . 


	2. Welcome To Xanth

((A/n: See how many puns you can find in each chapter. At the end of each, I'll post the number of deliberate puns that I used. But be sharp. . .Some of them are pretty subtle.))   
  
There was no time to think now. The creatures were upon them, and Melody whipped out her sword and struck at one that was lashing out at Bindaer. Kerredis stood beside Whelmyn and protected him in a similar fashion.   
"Bindaer!" called Melody as she fought off three of the beasts, "Look! A sack full of gold coins!"   
Bindaer blinked his eyes in confusion as awareness returned to him. Quickly, he pulled out his short sword and joined in the battle.  
  
The skirmish was over shortly after Bindaer joined the clash, and the four heroes stood over the bodies of the bizarre creatures. "What are they?" asked Bindaer, kicking one as if to make sure it was really dead. One of the strings vibrated from the blow.  
  
"Wait a minute. . ." said Melody, kneeling beside one of the carcasses. She began plucking the strings and a beautiful tune filled the air. She rose to her feet with a mixture of comprehension and astonishment on her face. "They're . . . harpies!"  
  
"What?" said Kerredis, "They're not harpies! Harpies are winged hags who charm their prey with song. We've battled them before. You know what they look like."  
  
"Harp . . ." Melody struck a chord and let the note ring out, then indicated the shape of them. "E's. I just realized where we are. We're in Xanth!"  
  
"Xanth?" Bindaer guffawed, "Are you daft, wench?! Xanth is no more than a fairy tale made up by another of you bards!"  
  
"Not even that, Bindaer," Whelmyn added, "Xanth is a self-created illusion in the minds of madmen and those mentally unstable with a queer send of humor. There is no such plain of existence as Xanth and I should say . . ."  
  
"Be that as it may," Melody interrupted before he could go into a longwinded speech disproving the reality of Xanth, "If that's true, then we've all simultaneously gone mad, and are having the same hallucination. So tell us, Mr. Pendalton, what are the odds of that?"  
  
"574,789,023,749 to one."  
  
As the group continued to argue over their situation, a lean, pasty man with baby-blue eyes and a queer hat that failed to conceal his lack of hair meandered over to them and cleared his throat loudly. When he finally had their attention, he tipped his had to them in greeting. "Good evening, strangers. My name is Collin, and you are . . .?"  
  
"Whelmyn Lightweaver Pendalton, combat arcanologist."  
  
"Excuse me?" said Collin.  
  
"He's a mage," Melody translated.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"I am Lady Kerredis Goldenleaf, priestess of the order of Lathander."  
  
"I am Bindaer Dundatt, 37th son of King Vishahadna Dundatt of the desert kingdom of Rogalundalala."  
  
"And I am Melody Lyreheart, the smiling troubadour, daughter of Lady Kerredis."  
  
Collin smiled at her and kissed the back of her hand with a flourishing bow. "It is an honor to meet you, fair Melody. And the rest of you as well," he said, acknowledging the Whelmyn, Kerredis, and Bindaer. "Welcome to Xanth, my friends." Melody cast a smug glance at her companions that seemed to say "I told you so." "The good wizard sent me to greet you. He usually sends Drew out to do things like this, but he tends to get carried away with this sort of thing."  
  
Bindaer raised an eyebrow. "Drew gets carried away?"  
  
"Yes, but not to worry. I shall help you to make a mockery of your quest."  
  
"Right, Collin . . . a mockery," said Melody.  
  
"What do you mean by 'our quest'?" asked Kerredis.  
  
Collin looked at her as if surprised that she didn't know. "Well, if you hope to return to your own world, you must complete a quest here. And I understand you were already on business of great urgency. Time is of the essence, so follow me, and I shall give you a place to begin." With that, he turned and started leading them north toward a citadel, towering high above them.  
  
((A/N: There are three deliberate puns in this chapter.)) 


	3. The Yicks And The Brellows

"HEADS UP!!" someone shouted, just as our heroes walked through a portcullis into a bustling town. Out of nowhere, a wad of brow grime flew at the party and splattered all over Melody's face. She tried to shriek with outrage, but the sound was suffocated in the mass on her head.  
  
Collin sprang immediately into action. He grabbed onto the thing while apologizing profusely as he pulled it off of her face. "Many apologies, miss! The yicks have been so rambunctious lately!"  
  
Melody clenched and unclenched her fists repeatedly. Her face reddened and her whole body quivered with self-restraint. "What in Lathander's name was that?!"  
  
"A yick," Collin held up the creature that looked like a living ball of mud. It stared up at her with little, beady, black eyes. "Isn't she cute?"  
  
"CUTE?! IT'S DISGUSTING!!" She might have felt differently if it hadn't made her look like such a fool in front of a whole town full of strangers. She was used to people staring at her, but not because she was covered in muck.  
  
"Not to worry, Miss Lyreheart. One of the brellows will have you cleaned up in no time."  
  
"What is a brellow?" asked Bindaer with a tilt of his head.  
  
As if on cue, an orange blur of movement zoomed toward Melody. Once again, the sound of her cries of protect were absorbed in the sponge-like body wrapping itself around her head.  
  
Bindaer, Whelmyn, and Kerredis couldn't help but laugh as they watched her desperate struggle to remove the thing from her face. She wrestled with it for a full minute before managing to fling it to the ground. She glared at her companions and they immediately ceased their laughter.  
  
Glancing around, they saw yicks and brellows by the dozen running loose all over the streets—the yicks making a mess, and a brellow close behind each one to clean it up. It was like some bizarre sort of chase. "Why are there so many?" Kerredis asked.  
  
Collin smiled. "We raise them here. That brellow's name is Bob, and this yick is Sandy.  
  
"It seems rather frivolous," Whelmyn commented, "to produce such creatures through agriculture. What logical purpose do they serve?"  
  
"Construction," Collin replied, "Watch."  
  
He set Sandy down on the ground and backs away. Suddenly, Bob lunged and pounced on Sandy. The two struggled for a short while before Bob had scrubbed up all of Sandy's muck, and after they'd combined, they hardened into a stone. Collin picked it up and handed it to another man who was walking toward a half-built house.  
  
"Fascinating!" exclaimed Whelmyn as he realized that all of the buildings were made of these same stone, as were the paved streets that they were standing on. "Never before have I witnessed such an extraordinary phenomenon! I should like to conduct a study of . . ."  
  
"But we haven't got the time," Melody cut him off. "About this quest, you mentioned, Collin . . . What do we have to do?"  
  
"Ah yes," he said, "I damn near forgot. I cannot tell you how to get back, but . . ."  
  
"What do you mean by that?" demanded Bindaer, "I thought you were our guide!"  
  
"Oh no, Mr. Dundatt, my job is only to start you off on the right foot."  
  
"What can you tell us then, my hairless friend?"  
  
"Only how to find someone who can give you more information. You must travel to the Valley of Obsession and find the man who owns a bar of gold. Tell him you are strangers to this land, and that the good wizard sent you. He will tell you what to do next. But first, I must insist that you accept this town's gracious hospitality and rest the night at the inn."  
  
"Alright, but how do we get to this so-called "Valley of Obsession?" Bindaer asked.  
  
"Simple," Collin pointed at the paved street leading out of town. "Just follow the brellow-yick road."  
  
((A/N: There are 3 deliberate puns in this chapter)) 


	4. The Scarecrow And Mrs King

After spending the night at the local inn, our intrepid heroes began their long journey down the Brellow-Yick Road. They had been given horses for the duration of the trip. Whelmyn's mount was blue, Bindaer's red, Kerredis's green, and Melody's purple." Collin had told them that they would each be provided with "a horse of a different color," but this had not been what they were expecting.  
  
After about a day's ride, they found themselves moving through vast cornfields. Stalks rose up high on both sides of the road for what seemed to go on for miles. Then they came to a crossroad. To their left, they could make out nothing past eddies of an ominous-looking fog that swirled and churned treacherously. It was much like the magic known in their world as swirling chaos. ((A/N: When my dad says we see swirling chaos, we know not to go that way not because it's dangerous, but because he hasn't mapped out that part of the dungeon yet. Although there was a different reason for it in this case)). To their right, they could see a pink heart painted on the Brellow-Yick Road, and straight ahead, they could see nothing but more cornfields in that direction.  
  
"Oh, that's great!" said Melody, "Which way do we go?"  
  
"Well 'ello zere, friends!" came a voice from nearby. "Don't get many visitors around 'ere! What brings all of you to zis place?"  
  
They turned around to face the speaker, and as it turned out, the one who had addressed them was a scarecrow on a post at the center of the crossroad. They would have been puzzled, but they were growing accustomed to peculiarity. "We're looking for the Valley of Obsession," Bindaer explained. "Can you tell us how to get there?"  
  
"Vhat?" said the scarecrow. "I can't 'ear you."  
  
Whelmyn repeated in a louder, enunciated voice, "Can you tell us where the gorge known as 'The Valley Of Obsession' is located?"  
  
"Sorry, you're going to 'ave to talk a bit louder...I 'aven't got any...'ey! Vhat are you doing?" he demanded of Kerredis as she pulled two husks off of a stalk and brought them toward the scarecrow. She stuck them into either side of his head, thus providing him with ears of corn. "YYEEOOWW!!"  
  
"Can you hear us now?" she asked.  
  
"Yes, and never do zat again! Zat hurt!"  
  
"Apologies, sir...We were wondering if you might help us. We're not sure which way to go. We're looking for the. . ."  
  
"Oh, oh! Don't go left!" said the scarecrow earnestly. "It's pure insanity! You vill never make it out alive! But if you go right, you'll find ze king. Oh, please don't tell 'im I spoke to you! 'E'll cut me to ribbons! 'E turned me into a scarecrow for sweet-talking ze missus! 'E'd just kill me if 'e found out zat I vas speaking viz 'is guests, so if you go right, please don't tell ze king about me! But, uh. . .give my regards to ze missus, vill you? I do sort of fancy 'er. . .She's so. . ."  
  
"EURIKA!" Whelmyn cried suddenly, "I've got it! We go straight!"  
  
Bindaer raised an eyebrow. "How do you know?"  
  
"Because between love and madness lies obsession. Follow me."  
  
((A/N: There are 4 deliberate puns in this chapter, including the one in the title.)) 


End file.
